Let no one think I gave in...

Sometimes when I say 'I'm okay', I really want someone to look me in the eye, hug me tight, and say 'I know you’re not okay'. Just because my eyes don’t tear doesn’t mean my heart doesn’t cry. And just because I come off strong, doesn’t mean there’s nothing wrong. The hardest part in life is trying to show the smile you know is fake, and to hide the tears that won’t stop. Behind this smile is everything you will never understand.

Let no one think I gave in. I took the high road, and for this I will be forever branded. I will carry a mark that can never be removed, and I accept that. For some, it will be a mark of disgrace and a cause for whispers. For those that have seen the low road, and the obvious sharp turn away, they will see my mark with understanding and will walk silently beside me as I work to learn from all of this.

I alone must make these decisions. Even though I know it will hurt me more to remain silent, I have never, and will never be a person that believes it necessary to hurt someone because I'm hurt. I can admit when I am wrong, and I can take responsibility for my actions. But I alone will know the extent of what was right and what was wrong in all of this.

I will move on, I will heal, I will get better. I WILL hold my head high. I will never let the pain from my past punish my present and paralyze my future. This will always follow me, but in my heart I know I was the better person for not taking anyone down with me, regardless if what was said was complete truth or not.

One day karma will knock, and you won't be able to lock your door. I honestly wish you luck.

Midnight Snacks

I have a few I'm sure will make you smile.

Syd wakes me up at 4 a.m. by calling in the monitor. 'Mommy!' I lay there for a minute wishing Jesse was home cuz I'm dead tired. I slowly get up as she calls for me again. She's figured out the monitor thing. Call and they will come. I walk into her room and ask what she needs.
'I go jump on the trampoline Mommy.'
Umm... No. 'Go back to bed silly, it's night time.'
'I go jump on the trampoline in the morning Mommy.'
'Ok, in the morning. It's time for bed now.' She rolled over and went right back to sleep.

A few weeks later I get another 4 a.m. wake-up call. 'Mommy!' Ok, just get up and get this kid back to sleep. I walk in, and before I can ask... 'Mommy, I got a owey Mommy.' Ok... how? Rolling over on her baby bear?
'How did you get an owey?'
'I fall down on the trampoline Mommy. Right here!'
I kiss it better and she is now ok to go back to sleep. Silly kid!

Careful what you wish for...

I don't do this often because it's been proven true on many occasions, but today I did it again. I 'wished' for a call and it happened. There are two specific instances that stick out in my mind. The first one happened back in 2005 when I was very new.

(Don't judge me. All EMTs think this way.)

I was working grave shifts and my partner and I were listening to Fire radio just passing the time. There was an accident in the mouth of Parley's that involved a car that had gone throught the rail and down a very steep embankement, and the patient had been ejected. I turned to my partner and stated that I wished I could be on that call because I had never had an ejection. My partner agreed because he hadn't ever had one either. We listened for a little longer when another call had gone out for an accident on the other side of town in a residential area. We missed the details on that one because at the same time we were moved by our dispatch to another post. The moment we started driving we were dispatched on the call as a 3rd unit. We went en route with Fire just in time to hear updated details. Triple ejection accident! I won't go into the details of the call. I would be typing for a while. This was the first time I came into contact with this phenomenon.

Fast forward almost 7 years....

Today my partner turns to me and says, 'You know, we are about due for a shooting. It's been a while.' I countered with 'Or a stabbing. I haven't had one of those for a long time.' Just a few hours later we hear it. A 27D, shooting. Unfortunately, it's just outside of our area. Not more than an hour later... 27D, stabbing. Definitely outside of our area. But wait! Everyone else is out on a call! Yay! Thank you EMS Gods :)

Hi Daddy!

Jesse asked me to update the blog and talk about Rylie. I told him I didn't know what to write, so he e-mailed this to me as a suggestion. Thought it would be something worth sharing.

On St Patty's Day we had an appointment to find out what our baby will be. We invited the family to come. We had almost everyone there. The ultrasound tech came in looked and said there are 3 lines, meaning its a girl. Rylie Ann Andelin will be here around September 3rd, and we are all excited. About a week ago I had my head on Jo's belly. Rylie didn't like being laid on and kicked me, which is when felt her for the first time. Sydney is excited to have a little sister and wants to help take care of Rylie. We have a picture from the ultrasound on the fridge and Syd walks over to it and says "Kiss baby", so we have to pick her up so she can kiss the picture of her sister. Jo is 5 months along and Rylie is a mover. Sometimes I swear she is dancing.

Hello little one!

Today was the first appointment for the new addition. My only concern for the doctor was making sure there was only one heartbeat. My mom has been trying to convince me we are having twins. Scary thing is, twins and triplets run in my family. Not cool when it's a real possibility!

I was very happy when we met with our new OB because in this office, they do an ultrasound on the first visit. Yay! We get to see the baby instead of just hear the heartbeat. First things first.... We are definitely having only ONE baby. Second.... This kid is active! Flips and tricks, it was hard getting a good look, but it was very exciting. The doctor even tried to get a look at what the sex might be, but of course, the umbilical cord was in the way. I guess we won't know for a few more weeks.

Merry Christmas honey, I'm pregnant!

The week prior to Christmas was pretty devestating. That's when we found out that the manager in charge of the sales company Jesse worked for had taken all his paperwork out of the office and had been changing the information before turning it into the corporate offices. Long story short.... the $2,500 that he had made in sales since starting will never be seen by us because it was being deposited into the manager's account. The scramble for a new job started and I was sick to my stomach... I thought with anxiety. Luckily Jesse has about 16 years of experience in security and landed a job immediately, paying better than he was making as a supervisor at the last security job by about $4 and hour. Still nothing like what he was supposed to be making at this other job, and now we have a lot to make up for, but that stress was gone. However, that sick feeling didn't quite leave.

For Christmas Eve morning my dad had decided he wanted to take the family out to breakfast at IHOP to "kick off the Christmas festivities. You know, like football." (I don't think he has ever watched football.) I already had a feeling what was going on so I had snuck to the store a few days before and gotten a few items, just in case I was right. That morning I got up before Jesse and took a test. Positive! Now my scheming mind was going. I quickly text Kalia and told her what was going on and that I needed her help with recording this announcement.

We all arrived at IHOP and sat down to order. Syd had a little sore on her hand and wanted a bandaid. My mom had one in her purse and put it on her hand. Fortunately, for my plan, Syd wanted a bandaid for her other hand so they matched. (Kids...) I always keep my pack for work in my car, and since I'm a professional bandaid hander-outer, I went to get another one for her. Jesse was oblivious.

When I came back I had the bandaid for Syd and a gift bag for Jesse. He was totally confused, especially since I had told him that morning that the gift bag was for my aunt. I told him it was his Christmas present and to open it. He opened the bag and smiled, then looked at me and asked "Really? Really?" In the bag was 2 onsies, a bottle and a pacifier. It was perfect. Merry Christmas honey, your present will be here in 9 months!

Working Heaven's Streets

Well, the last 2 weeks have been full of anger and sadness. On May 22, my co-worker and friend was hit by a drunk driver while he was on his way to work. It sent a shockwave through the company. What a surreal event, to have one of your own be on the other side of the call. He was stopped at a light at 0600 when a drunk driver slammed into him at 80 mph, catapulting him into the cars in front of him causing severe head trauma. From the beginning we knew his recovery was questionable at best. There was just so much damage done, so fast, that it's amazing he even was alive when EMS arrived on scene. It's disgusting to me that someone could do this. Especially someone that had 3 previous DUI charges and a suspended license. The guy even tried to run! Fortunately there was an off duty officer that witnessed the accident and chased the guy down.

I've known Jon Bowers for almost 6 years now. We were never good friends by any means, but we were co-workers doing the same thankless job we all know and love. He was a good man, doing all the right things, and he lost his life at the young age of 31. The last time I saw him was just 3 days before the accident. He was my relief at work and was so kind to me. He offered to restock my ambulance from the calls that day so I could go home and see Sydney before bedtime. Who knew that would be the last time I would see him? Well, not the last. I visited him in the hospital the day after the accident. Unconscious, on a vent, drainage tube sticking out of his head. My parnter and I could barely keep the tears back. That was hard.

After fighting a long battle, Jon never regained consciousness and passed away on Memorial Day, May 30, 2011. Today was his funeral. He's working Heaven's streets now. God speed friend.



EMT-I Jonathan McKay Bowers
September 29, 1979- May 30, 2011

Last Call
* * Tones * *

Gold Cross Dispatch to EMT- Intermediate Jonathan Bowers.....
Gold Cross Dispatch to EMT- Intermediate Jonathan Bowers.....
Attention all Gold Cross personnel and other listening agencies. There is no response from EMT-Intermediate Jonathan Bowers....
EMT Intermediate Jonathan McKay Bowers answered his last call on May 30th 2011, and has been reassigned to The Lord's Unit of Heroes.
Jon, we thank you for your service, selflessly working to better the lives of the sick and injured, your compassion, dedication and professionalism will not be forgotten.
Your new duties will be to watch over your family, EMS community, and mankind.
You have been released to make your final journey home.
Gold Cross Ambulance clear 1347.

 



THE FINAL INSPECTION

The paramedic stood to face their God, which must always come to pass.
They hoped their boots were shining, just as brightly as their brass.

"Step forward now, Paramedic. How shall I deal with you?
Have you always turned the other cheek? To my church have you been true?"

The paramedic squared their shoulders and said, "No Lord, I guess I ain't,
Because those of us who save mens' lives can't always be a saint.

I've had to work most Sundays, and at times my talk was rough.
Sometimes it seems I'm heartless, because the streets are awfully tough.

But I never took a penny that wasn't mine to keep...
Though I worked a lot of overtime when the bills got too steep.

I never passed a cry for help, though at times I shook with fear.
And sometimes, God forgive me, I've wept so many tears.

I know I don't deserve a place among the people here.
They never wanted me around except to calm their fear.

If you've got a place for me here, Lord, it needn't be so grand.
I never expected or had too much, so if you don't...I'll understand."

There was silence all around the throne where the saints often trod.
As the paramedic waited quietly, for the judgment of their God.

"Step forward now, Paramedic. You've borne your burdens well.
Come work a shift on Heaven's streets - you've done your time in Hell."

Author Unknown